Days after my last blog post about not finding a job, I applied at Studio Stream in San Angelo. My friend Kassie has worked there since the summer, and she said she'd put in a good word for me. I stopped by and filled out an application and left them my resume. They called me back the next day and said they wanted me to come in for an "interview". Basically, they just said "We can't hire you full time, but we don't want any other station to snatch you up before we can... so... you're hired!" This blew my mind. They were genuinely interested... and then, THEN they asked me to come back in a couple of hours so I could be in their Christmas card pictures. How crazy is that? I started work the Tuesday after I graduated, making MORE than minimum wage... amazing! The people here are so friendly, and the best part is that this station, Sonic Live Radio, is heard nation-wide at every Sonic Drive-In in America! I'm working 18 hours a week (for now, hopefully going to get more soon), and after about a month of being on air, I got a raise. I'm so blessed! This is what I've wanted for so long. A job I truly enjoy. It's wonderful!
Another major thing in my life... my New Years Resolution... if you can even call it that. New Years Eve, I laid in bed and prayed to God "HELP! Help me be the person you've created me to be. Help me live this life full of love and compassion for other people. No matter their past or their sinful nature. Help me to love them like you love me. Help me to encourage and be a light to those who can't find their way out of the darkness on their own. Help me be the best me I can be. Amen."
If you know me on a personal level, you know how challenging this could be for me. I hold grudges. BAD. If you've hurt me or someone I love in the past, it's really hard for me to forgive and forget. After I prayed this, I just cried. And cried. My heart was so hard. I knew this. My sisters had hurt our family so bad. The only way for me to not hurt because of their actions was for me to pretend like I didn't care. Like they weren't my family. I'm ashamed to have felt this way... because I love them so much. God loves them. Regardless of how much time they've spent in jail, what kind of drugs or alcohol abuse they've put themselves through, how many divorces they've had, how many times they've lost their job or made another terrible mistake... they are God's children. They are my MOTHER'S children. They are my sisters. And they need forgiveness just like the rest of us. It's hard for me to admit that forgiveness does NOT equal me condoning their behavior. I just couldn't have this hate in my heart any longer. My older sisters that I looked up to when I was 4 years old are somewhere deep inside these troubled souls. I might never see them the same way again on this earth, but that doesn't mean I should give up on praying for them and their walks with God. They are beautiful and their sin is no greater than mine in God's eyes. THIS was a revelation to me.
My life is different. My load is lighter. I'm genuinely happy. I'm not carrying around all these negative feelings anymore. Sure, I'm disappointed when I hear of something happening in their lives that could have been prevented with better decisions made, but I love them. I really love them. And I'm not afraid to love them even if they don't love me. I pray for them constantly... that God would pull them out of their addictions and turn their lives around. That they would wholeheartedly seek Him and His will for their lives. That they would realize how much they are hurting their children, their mother, but most importantly, themselves... and that they would change for the better. Forever. They'll probably never read this... heck, I'm not so sure anyone ever will... but this is for them: I forgive you. I love you. More than you'll ever know.
