And I just THOUGHT I knew what a headache felt like...

Well it's been about 5 days since my surgery, and today is the first day in which I haven't been napping on and off throughout the afternoon. This being said, I slept from 10pm last night until 12pm this afternoon, but I feel like I'm beginning to get back on somewhat of a normal schedule.

Wednesday morning was full of waiting. I was under the impression that we'd just walk back there, do some prep, and be on our way to surgery. If only. The surgery was pushed back a few hours, and I spoke with Dr. Lasiter before he had to go operate on someone else, THEN he said he'd get around to my surgery. I was only allowed 2 people in the pre-op room with me, so Ryan and my mom were by my side while my dad and my sister Becky were in the waiting room with Pastor Joe. We went over some paper work with the nurse and watched How I Met Your Mother on TV. I was super nervous about going to the bathroom on myself while under the anesthesia so I went like 3 times while we were waiting, haha! Also, I informed the doctors and nurses that the last time I had been under anesthesia I was nauseous and throwing up for 2 days after the surgery. They put some sort of patch behind my ear to prevent that and said they'd do everything possible in order to (hopefully, but not guarantee) prevent that from happening this time. I'm trying to remember anything else significant that happened before surgery, but like I said before, it was mostly just waiting. 

When the nurse came to take me back to the operating room, I said my goodbyes to (a tearful) mom and Ryan, and made my way down the hall with my fuzzy socks on (thanks Jessica!). The room was cold, I remember seeing all the doctors in there and telling them not to look at my undies as I laid on the table. I also remember thinking that the table was incredibly narrow... and I told them "That sure is a small table for this big girl". The nurse had me lay down and they tucked me in with warm blankets (my favorite part!). All I really remember after that is the nurse and the anesthesiologist asking me if I was feeling sleepy yet and I'm pretty sure my last words were "Nah, I'm not sleepy... but the ceiling is starting to look funny..."

When I woke up I'm pretty sure the first words out of my mouth were "What shape is my scar?!" The nurses told me it was an upside down T and that my surgery went well. I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't like a lightning bolt, but was soon overcome with nausea so I didn't think much of it. The nurse kept asking my pain level and I just kept telling her I wanted to throw up. Most of the next hour or so was me telling the nurse I was nauseous and her telling me they'd give me more meds. By the time the nausea started to fade, the pain kicked in. I think I told her it was a 7 out of 10, but because I was so nauseous they didn't give me a pill to take. I got morphine instead! Which made me waaaaay sleepy. The nurses asked me a few times if I was ready for my family to come back but I just wasn't. I didn't want to vomit all over myself in front of them like I had after my last surgery. Talk about embarrassing! 

I've got to take the time to say... that I was SO incredibly blessed with sweet nurses and doctors throughout this whole thing! My anesthesiologist, Dr. Hernandez, I believe his name was, was SO nice. He came and checked up and made sure that I was comfortable and helped get rid of my nausea! I didn't toss my cookies ONCE after the operation... so thankful for that! And I had 2 or 3 different nurses that took wonderful care of me. They were patient and kind and explained everything so I could understand what was happening even if I was super drugged up! I thank God for them, I really do. They are probably incredibly under appreciated in their day to day work lives, but I am so thankful for all they did to help me during my stay. The last nurse that dealt with me on my way out hugged me and told me "God bless you, I pray that you will heal quickly!" My heart swelled in that moment. 

So.... by the time I was ready for my family to come back to the room and see me, I wasn't so nauseous anymore, but was in and out of sleep every 15 minutes or so... and how conveniently, the blood pressure cuff on my arm went off at the same intervals. The stupid thing actually bruised me! I'd say that was probably the most annoying part of the whole thing for me... I HATE getting my blood pressure taken. At first it was just my mom and Ryan that came back, but the nurses let my dad come back too. Ryan took a couple of pictures of my owie and my mom tried her best not to look nauseous herself. At this point in time, I hadn't even seen the stitches or anything yet, but when my dad walked in his first words to me were "Ouch! They cut the dookie out of your head!" Hahaha! That soooo sounds like something my dad would say. Ryan then showed me a picture and it surprised me! The wound was a lot larger than we all had anticipated, but cosmetically speaking, it was close to my hairline, and would heal nicely. 

By the time I got to my mom's house I was pretty hungry so I munched on saltines and graham crackers and sipped on some 7up in between my (now longer than 15 minute) slumbers. Ryan definitely wins husband of the year award! He kept family and friends updated through texts on my phone, and walked me ever so gently to the restroom when I needed to go. I know that doesn't sound like much... but my heart was so full of undescribeable love for him in these moments. It still is! I never thought that in the 2nd year of our marriage he'd have to treat me like an old lady. I never thought that in our 2nd year of marriage I'd have cancer! His tenderness, his humility, and his hidden strength are only a few of the reasons I married him! I pray that every married couple can experience this kind of love. I knew we had it, but this was just a good time for God to show me how much I really needed Him and the man He created for me. 

I also need to brag on my mom! She is one of the queasiest (is that a word?) people I know when it comes to blood and wounds. I mean, she closes her eyes during Grey's Anatomy! But she has really stepped up with her gentle mommy hands and doctored my wound these past few days... and done a wonderful job! I'm so thankful for her. I just wish I had been old enough to have been able to help her more when she was going through all of this with her breast cancer. I love her so so so much. I'm proud of her for not only stepping up and cleaning my wound but helping me in every way possible through this whole past month of our lives. 

Tonight I shampooed my hair for the first time. I've just been rinsing it until now. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels HUGE! Now if only I could brush it... I don't even want to think about the pain that would induce though. I go back to see Dr. Lasiter on Tuesday afternoon for a check up. I think that's when they'll take out my stitches and we will hopefully have the results of the 2nd biopsy at that time. 

Ryan and I are incredibly blessed by each and every person out there praying for us. We thank you for praying and we ask that you continue! Pray for a quick recovery on my part... the wound itself isn't hurting so much at this point, but the pressure from my scalp being stretched so far is making my head feel like a balloon! Also, pray that the cancer is GONE from my body! I will let you know what the test results are as soon as we know. God is good ALL the time... and we will praise Him regardless! 

I cannot say thank you enough to everyone who has given us gifts, prayers, kind texts, or thoughts! God is working through you... and HE IS WONDERFUL!

Four words I never thought I'd hear...

"You have skin cancer".

A week ago today I went to a dermatologist to get my birth/beauty mark/freckle/mole on my forehead checked out. I was recently put on Ryan's health insurance through his work a few months ago, so I figured now was the time. Dr. Ramirez measured the spot on my forehead, asked my mom and I a few questions about it, examined a few other areas of my body for moles, and said he wanted to remove it. I was dreading the removal, not necessarily because a part of my face would be missing, but because I knew it would cost us money, regardless of the fact that we now have health insurance. I looked at mom, and it seemed like the best option at the time, so they could send it in for a biopsy and then (hopefully) tell us I was fine. He numbed my forehead with 3 shots that burned and made my eyes water a little. I really like how quick Dr. Ramirez was through all of this though... and especially the fact that he talked me through it as he went. He then proceeded to scrape off the spot on my forehead. I couldn't look at the needle or the instrument he used to remove it, or I think I would have fainted. My mom was standing in the corner of the room reading a poster the whole time, haha! We weren't even in his office but 30 minutes before they bandaged me and sent us on our way. I took off work that day because my face felt uncomfortable and as the numbing medicine wore off, the burning sensation I had from the shots came back in full force. I've been keeping vaseline on it, and up until yesterday, a band-aid at all times.

On Thursday I was getting excited to have a booth out at Christian Village to hopefully sell some scarves, keychains, and other crafts I've made at their Christmas Bazaar. I got to work an hour early (8am) so I could take off early for this event. I was sitting at my desk with my freshly brewed coffee when I got a call on my cell phone at 9:06 am. Yes, I looked at my phone records just because it was bugging me that I couldn't remember the time. The voice on the other line was Stephanie, Dr. Ramirez's nurse telling me the results of my biopsy came in. I was thinking she'd just tell me everything looked fine and to come in for a check up in a few months... but then those terrible words came out of her mouth. "It's melanoma. You have skin cancer." I can't even remember what I said to her because every word out of her mouth after that seemed insignificant. She was talking about more doctors appointments and I remember saying "Well, today's not a good day for me, because I have a craft show!" And she had to explain to me how emergent it all was. I honestly think I was more bummed at the time that I couldn't go to the Christmas Bazaar. Silly, I know. I told her I needed to speak with my family and I'd get back to her about scheduling these other appointment(s). Thank God Ryan was nearby. When I say nearby, I mean, he was in the parking lot of my work taking a nap in our car. He had pulled an all-nighter up at the school the night before, and because my schedule was going to be different that day due to the Christmas Bazaar and I wouldn't get a lunch break, he decided to sleep in the car for a few hours so I could wake him up in time for his class. I hung up the phone with the nurse and walked outside... and all I could think was "how am I about to tell the love of my life that I have been diagnosed with cancer???" Poor Ryan... I know I was a mess. He was asleep in the front seat of the car and I tapped him on his leg and told him to wake up. He looked confused because he probably knew it wasn't time for his class yet, and he was very very sleep deprived. I said something along the lines of "Babe, the dermatologist's office called... and it's cancer. I have melanoma." My poor sweet husband. I want to cry thinking about his reaction. His eyes, bloodshot from sleepiness, got big and all he could say was "No..." in a really tender voice. All I could say back was "Yes." He got out of the car and hugged me tight. I think I was shaking the whole time. I told him everything the nurse had told me... then called my mom and told her. Of course, mom cried, and of course, she didn't want me to know that she was crying. I called dad, no answer. So I texted him and asked him to call me ASAP. He probably knew what was coming because he called right back and sounded worried. I told him what the nurse said and told him I'd call him back later. He said I love you first on the phone.... that rarely happens. I love my daddy and I know he loves me, but it really is a rare occasion for him to say it first over the phone. Just is. I then called the nurse back and told her I could cancel my plans for that afternoon and go the appointment she scheduled for me.

I have got to say, my boss has been SO wonderful through all of this. He immediately said he'd add me to his church's prayer list and that I shouldn't worry about missing work if I needed to go to appointments, etc. I took off the rest of that day, and Ryan took off work as well so he could be at the appointment with me. We just kind of hung around the apartment with Penny the rest of that morning (well, Ryan slept a little) and ate a small lunch because we didn't have much of an appetite. My appointment was at 3:15, but my mom's best friend Debra was in town for a little while before that, so I left Ryan asleep on the couch, and I went to go see her. My mom and my sister Becky decided they wanted to go to the appointment with us even if they just stayed in the waiting room, so that's what they did. I went back by the apartment and got Ryan and we headed to the appointment. Once they called me in to the office, they had to weigh me and I guessed my weight... exactly! It was on the dot, and the nurse said "wow, you should go buy a lottery ticket!"And I, honestly not trying to be rude said "well, it's not exactly my lucky day... they told me I have cancer this morning and now I'm here so y'all can schedule when to cut off more of my face." We then went into the room and talked to the nurse more before Dr. Lasiter came in. She took my blood pressure, which was through the roof. I was seriously freaking out at this point in time. My hands were sweaty, I was hot, and I couldn't stop shaking. Well, Dr. Lasiter came in and looked at the spot that Dr. Ramirez had removed and in conversation, kept saying that he thought he knew Ryan from somewhere. Ryan and I didn't recognize him, so we just kept saying "no, I really don't think you do..." haha. Well, about halfway through the appointment he asked us where we go to church and turns out... he goes to the same one! He remembered us from Family Retreat earlier this year... and then I remembered seeing his kids dancing during worship and he laughed and said "yep, that's us!" I cannot explain the RELIEF that washed over me at this time. My hands stopped sweating, my body temperature went back to normal. I knew this was God taking care of me. And then later on in the appointment I found out that I work with my nurse's brother Todd! To have these connections with my surgeon and nurse are so amazing and comforting to me and my family.

Dr. Lasiter said protocol to a melanoma diagnosis is to remove 1 cm all around the previously removed spot. My previous spot was a little over 1 cm wide so he'll have to remove a circle that's about 3 cm in diameter. He said that'd be about the size of a 50 cent piece. Because this section he's going to remove is so large, they're going to put me under anesthesia so they can figure out how to stitch it up. He said it could be a zig zag (which is what I'm hoping for, so I can look like Harry Potter!) but he's not entirely sure until he's looking at it. I then asked him if they were worried it had spread to my other organs... and I informed him I was freaking out because I watch Grey's Anatomy... haha! He said he wasn't too worried about it because it was only 7mm deep, but that I would have to go for regular head to toe examinations to look for other spots. I think after the surgery, they'll send that skin in for another biopsy, and we'll know more of where to go (hopefully we'll be done though) from there.

It's been a crazy week... and I think the next month or so will be BUSY for my family and me. My surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. I'll try to keep everyone posted on how that goes (and hopefully have some cool, gross pictures!). When I know something, I'll share. My family and I really and truly appreciate your prayers. I know that God hasn't given me anything I can't handle... so I'm trying my best to stay positive throughout this whole thing. I'm not gonna lie and say that Satan doesn't have fear looming in the back of my mind though. Keep praying... I can feel the love coming from all over the world! And pray that after this surgery I will be cancer free!

God Bless YOU!

Amanda

I'm just so full of LOVE!

For...

• My GOD
• The man He created for me
• Our life together (and with our precious puppy)
• Our extended families
• Friends that become family
• Our new truck and the stress relief it brings to our busy lives
• My job and coworkers
• Music
• Photography
• Making gifts for people
• Giving those gifts to people
• Friends who are encouraging
• Being able to encourage them back
• Opportunity

Wheew! Where has time gone?

I can't remember the last time I wrote in this thing... but I guarantee a LOT has happened since then! Ryan and I have officially been married for over a year now (seriously... time flies). We've renewed our lease in the same apartment for another year primarily because of the convenience of its proximity to Ryan's work (we still only have one car for the time being). He is currently finishing up the final project for an online computer gaming class. It was his first time to do a summer course, and I'm proud of him. :) He's registered for full time in the fall, and received a substantial amount of Pell Grant money. We are blessed. I definitely couldn't have worked full time AND been a full time student like he's been for the past few years. I married a super hero.

As for me, I'm still working at Studio Stream (Sonic Live Radio) and I was recently promoted! I'm still a DJ, but now doing so much more. I even have my own office! It's been fun finding random stuff to decorate it with. :) I'm working full time as an On-Air Personality, Music Director, and Administrative Assistant to the President of the company. Definitely building up my resume, and I love it here! I'm not sure I've explained how Studio Stream works on here before, but Sonic Live Radio is just one (a HUGE one, but just one) channel that we provide. I'm currently in charge of maintaining our Coffee House, Country, and Office channels. The duties for that entail researching and recording in music and making the schedules/logs for what will air and when. I love my job and often find myself wondering "am I really working right now?" because I'm listening to music and googling lyrics. It's too fun to be work. ;)

Our Penny puppy is doing well... God definitely blessed us with the perfect dog. She's a great companion when Ryan is working late, and I've got to say PRAISE GOD she is finally housebroken. We are getting her spayed later this month and I'm a little nervous about it, but I'm sure she'll do fine.

I'm sure there is more to update on that I'm forgetting, but I think that's all I'll post for now.

Peace and Love,

Amanda :)

January 17, 2005

"Death isn't always expected... but we are expected to accept it...

When it's my time, I want to leave knowing I did what I was meant to do...

No one's life is meaningless... everyone is here for a purpose.

If you've yet to figure out your purpose...

Don't worry

We don't really find out until we're gone."

April 5, 2005

"You amaze me day by day
With all your fake smiles and lies.


I see your heart, broken and dangling
Right alongside my hope for your awakening.
And I just thought you should know...
That you're not hiding anything--
I see right through you.


When will you understand that love is real?
When will it finally seep through?
I need these tears, sorrow, and pain to disappear...
But I don't have a clue.


With the stars surrounding us,
And the moon up high...
I want you to know,
So are my hopes that your tears will dry."

January 19, 2006

I don't write much any more... but I'm glad I have access to my old stuff.



"If we don't survive this

It wasn't meant to be.

There are angels among us

They haven't given up

There are miracles waiting to happen

All we have to do is open our eyes"

August 8, 2006

And... another old journal entry.


"Memories captured,
Hung on a wall
Stars don't truly shine
Until after they fall


With anticipation of great love,
My hopes are high
God must have
Hung the moon tonight


I'm not ready to grow up,
But I'll grow if I must
I don't want these memories
To fade to dust


As our falling hearts turn to stars,
Let us not forget the moon"

September 2, 2006

Another old journal entry

"Building ourselves up
Only to be let down
Knowing that we're breaking
With no trace of a sound

It's hard to hide the pain
But we do it every day
If we ignore it
It might go away

A rain drop falls
Again, we rejoice
An angel just given wings
A mute child, a voice

It's pouring rain
Let's just forget the pain
Knowing that we're broken
And You love us the same

If dancing in the rain is all we've got
Then continue to shower us, Lord"

March 16, 2007

Another old journal entry...

"Defining moments occur at the most unexpected times... but yet, always the right ones. I think perspective has a great deal to do with it. I've learned that I need to cherish every moment I'm with someone... because it really COULD be the last time I see them. One more high five... one more hug... one more smile... one more kiss. The last one better be the best... but what if we forget? Will our very existence be forgotten along with it?

I love those moments when you just know that you're where you're supposed to be. You know the moments... when you're listening to a song, and suddenly tears come to your eyes. Or when you're talking to an old friend who is struggling and every word that comes out of your mouth seems to be perfect.

At times we forget that those who help us often need help themselves. Life is valuable. But until it's nearly taken from us, we don't grasp that value. Each hello and goodbye define who we are.

Putting effort in slowing down and appreciating life defines our fight. And though the fights differ in each person's being, there is one common goal... true happiness."

I found an old journal of mine...

This entry is from June 11, 2007.

Ryan was in New Zealand.

It was the summer before my senior year of high school.

I had been 17 for 11 days.

"With each passing minute, my heart aches a little more.

And with each heartbeat, comes hope. Hope for the pain to stop.

If not now, soon.

It's nearly impossible to describe it... because to fully understand, one has to experience the feeling.

Change is inevitable, but it seems to hurt just as bad even if we have a huge "CAUTION" sign in front of it.

It's crazy how circumstance can change lives... and no matter how badly we want to prevent the change, it still comes plowing through.

Change knows no pain... yet they continually come hand in hand.

Knowing that we can't turn back time really stinks, ya know?

In our deepest beings, we all yearn to be home. Perhaps some of us don't even realize where that home is... but we possess a feeling of emptiness. As for the rest of us, we know exactly who and where our home is... but for some reason we can't get there. Our home has to be far away... too far to reach, at least for the time being.

Having the knowledge of where your home is, and not being able to get there, well, hurts.

With things changing all around us, we need to protect our homes.

As for actually doing so, one must have faith.

Faith that you will be home again.

And prayer that your home won't lose their faith."

Oh, we have floors???

It's been a long time coming, but our apartment is actually CLEAN! ALL of it! I mean, it could always use improvement... I haven't been scrubbing floors or anything... but the fact that you can SEE our floors, makes my heart so happy. For a long while it's just been easier to move the mess from one room to another. We've been pretty good about keeping the living room area clean for our small group bible study on Wednesday nights, but that, of course, meant that our bedroom was hideous.

We were recently given a bed... a real bed... and we bought a mattress and box springs (that weren't a floppy uncomfortable mess that was just sitting on the floor) that were practically brand new on Craigslist for $60. I LOVE my mother and father in law. I am truly truly blessed to have them in my life. They constantly surprise us with things that perhaps not most people would get excited about, but Ryan and I are truly grateful for everything they do for us and for all of the love they have bestowed upon us and our relationship over the past 5 and a half years. So there we were, with this gorgeous bed... in a room full of dirty laundry, shoes scattered about, and stuff we really just didn't need.

When we got our sweet little puppy, Penny, we wouldn't allow her in our bedroom because there was just entirely too much for her to get into in there. Welllllllll, I knew my mother in law, Rissa, and my sister in law, Callie were coming in for one day this past week... and it was Spring Break, so I was only working one of my jobs for the week. I cleaned. I hate cleaning... but I cleaned. I turned on my Glee Pandora Radio station and I organized, folded, trashed, washed, and vacuumed everything in that bedroom. But, because the bedroom was finally clean... the living room and dining room had been neglected. I was slightly overwhelmed one day, but totally willing to do it... and my sweet and wonderful mother came over and helped me clean a little. We folded some more laundry, scrubbed the kitchen table, put some groceries away... and slightly reorganized the pantry. I love her so much. I know she hates cleaning as much as I do, but this was a way for her to bless me and spend some valuable time together. I'm so thankful she did. :)

After every room was clean (not spotless, mind you... but far better than it was before), we let Penny explore the place. She didn't know what to think about the bedroom... she hadn't been allowed in there before! She's been running around and sniffing everything... it's hilarious to watch!

Now, Rissa and Callie (and our Mimi) were only at the apartment for an hour or so... but I'm so glad that it was clean when they were! And it was wonderful to see them.

I also purchased some more furniture from Craigslist this weekend... and boy am I glad I did! Ryan and I have been using an end table from my parent's living room as our nightstand and it's so much lower to the ground than our bed it was getting kind of ridiculous. On Craigslist, I found 2 (MATCHING!!!!) nightstands for only 15 dollars. The wood isn't the same color as our bed, but I honestly don't care. I love that we both have our own little space to store books, cell phones, whatever... and they're at a good height for our tall bed!

I'm starting to love our little apartment... and I'm not so anxious to move out as soon as possibly any more. Ryan and I have decided that it is best for us to stay here for another 6 months at least after our lease is up in June. And, I really am cool with this... because now that I know it CAN be clean... it's not so bad! It's even kind of... dare I say it? Homey. :)

Where is home?

I'm having a hard time right now... we really like our apartment complex (for the most part) but we're having to hide our puppy dog because they won't allow a dog under 8 months old to be on the property, let alone live there. And I want her to have a yard to run around in! I also want to have a guest bedroom so my inlaws (and whoever else wants to!) can come stay with us! I'm also tired of stacking stuff in our 1 bedroom apartment. The only good thing about it is the close proximity to Ryan's work! We're surviving on our one car right now, and it's so convenient that he can take it to school in the morning then walk to work so I can drive to my job that night. I'm in the process of looking for rent houses in the same area, but haven't had much luck lately. Our lease is up at the apartment this June/July... and I really want to have somewhere to go. I just don't want to renew our lease... but I guess if we have to, we could always do a 6 month one, and not a full year. I'm just praying that something will come up (in a good neighborhood, that is AFFORDABLE) and preferably where either Ryan or myself could walk to work if we needed to. We'll see what happens I suppose... and we'll keep praying!

Where can I find the time to breathe?!

I'm working 7 days a week! Okay, I know to some people what I do doesn't sound like hard work, but still! Monday nights I only work 2 hours at Ram TV/Ram Radio, and I'm okay with that. Sundays are my usual day off, but I'm covering someone's shift tomorrow (technically today) from 11-4 at Studio Stream (Sonic Live Radio). I'm not really complaining, because I enjoy what I do and I can always use the extra money on my paycheck.. but no Sunday afternoon nap for me! AND, when I'm done at Studio Stream, I'm going down town to take some engagement pictures for a friend! I'm pretty excited about that. I love photographing beautiful people... especially when they're as sweet as this couple.

My photography services have really taken off this year! I love it! I'm keeping record of how much money I'm making per shoot, because this time next year I'll have made so much I will have to report the income for taxes. It kind of stinks that I can't just keep the cash in my pocket, but way cool that I'm getting so much business I have to report it. :) I've done 2 weddings in the last 4 months, a lot of baby pictures and some engagements and graduation portraits too! I have a facebook page by the way! You should check it out. :)

https://www.facebook.com/amanda.marlar.photography

Life is busy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Prayer requests:

Our small group is getting smaller and smaller and I'm a little discouraged! The past few weeks we've only had 3 or 4 show up out of our usual 11 or 12!

Ryan and I would love to move into a rent house this summer somewhere in San Angelo... I think we've just about grown out of our 1 bedroom apartment. We've been extremely blessed to live where we do though... just too much stuff for that little space... and I want our sweet puppy Penny to have a yard to run around in!

My sister, Tamra, and her 3 youngest boys have moved to San Antonio (I think, I'm not really sure...) and I know she has a warrant out for her arrest here in Angelo... so I'm not even sure what's going on with that! I pray that she will quit running from her problems and face them... and that they will all quit the drugs and other shenanigans and take responsibility for their actions. I love them so much and wish they could understand that life doesn't have to be this difficult!

Is this real life??

Praise the Lord, it is! I'm aware that I have a LOT to update on... I'm a college GRADUATE! That's something I have worked really hard for over these past few years, and boy am I glad to be in this next chapter of my life. :)

Days after my last blog post about not finding a job, I applied at Studio Stream in San Angelo. My friend Kassie has worked there since the summer, and she said she'd put in a good word for me. I stopped by and filled out an application and left them my resume. They called me back the next day and said they wanted me to come in for an "interview". Basically, they just said "We can't hire you full time, but we don't want any other station to snatch you up before we can... so... you're hired!" This blew my mind. They were genuinely interested... and then, THEN they asked me to come back in a couple of hours so I could be in their Christmas card pictures. How crazy is that? I started work the Tuesday after I graduated, making MORE than minimum wage... amazing! The people here are so friendly, and the best part is that this station, Sonic Live Radio, is heard nation-wide at every Sonic Drive-In in America! I'm working 18 hours a week (for now, hopefully going to get more soon), and after about a month of being on air, I got a raise. I'm so blessed! This is what I've wanted for so long. A job I truly enjoy. It's wonderful!

Ryan and I also have a PUPPY!!!! Her name is Penny and she's pretty much the cutest thing ever. I've been wanting a puppy for so long now... and she's a lot of work, but definitely serving her purpose to make us want to hold off on real babies for a little longer! :)

Another major thing in my life... my New Years Resolution... if you can even call it that. New Years Eve, I laid in bed and prayed to God "HELP! Help me be the person you've created me to be. Help me live this life full of love and compassion for other people. No matter their past or their sinful nature. Help me to love them like you love me. Help me to encourage and be a light to those who can't find their way out of the darkness on their own. Help me be the best me I can be. Amen."

If you know me on a personal level, you know how challenging this could be for me. I hold grudges. BAD. If you've hurt me or someone I love in the past, it's really hard for me to forgive and forget. After I prayed this, I just cried. And cried. My heart was so hard. I knew this. My sisters had hurt our family so bad. The only way for me to not hurt because of their actions was for me to pretend like I didn't care. Like they weren't my family. I'm ashamed to have felt this way... because I love them so much. God loves them. Regardless of how much time they've spent in jail, what kind of drugs or alcohol abuse they've put themselves through, how many divorces they've had, how many times they've lost their job or made another terrible mistake... they are God's children. They are my MOTHER'S children. They are my sisters. And they need forgiveness just like the rest of us. It's hard for me to admit that forgiveness does NOT equal me condoning their behavior. I just couldn't have this hate in my heart any longer. My older sisters that I looked up to when I was 4 years old are somewhere deep inside these troubled souls. I might never see them the same way again on this earth, but that doesn't mean I should give up on praying for them and their walks with God. They are beautiful and their sin is no greater than mine in God's eyes. THIS was a revelation to me.

My life is different. My load is lighter. I'm genuinely happy. I'm not carrying around all these negative feelings anymore. Sure, I'm disappointed when I hear of something happening in their lives that could have been prevented with better decisions made, but I love them. I really love them. And I'm not afraid to love them even if they don't love me. I pray for them constantly... that God would pull them out of their addictions and turn their lives around. That they would wholeheartedly seek Him and His will for their lives. That they would realize how much they are hurting their children, their mother, but most importantly, themselves... and that they would change for the better. Forever. They'll probably never read this... heck, I'm not so sure anyone ever will... but this is for them: I forgive you. I love you. More than you'll ever know.