An Open Letter To My High School Self

I was inspired to write this by the post on www.jjheller.com/blog

Dear Amanda,

Your mom just finished chemotherapy for her breast cancer and is now in remission! That's awesome, and it's good to be excited... just remember that she's still not completely well. Her body will take a while to recover from treatment, and if I'm being honest, she'll never be quite the same. You won't want to talk about it with any of your friends. This is okay... because through these next few years you and your mama will become the best of friends. When her hair slowly starts to grow back, you will constantly assure her she doesn't need to wear a scarf anymore. You will see her confidence grow, and it will make you want to be a better person. So be.

Your fairly large and close-knit group of friends will break up into smaller groups as you get to high school, and eventually will disappear from your life altogether. There will be rumors spread about your sexual orientation. Don't let them bother you too much, because you know the truth... and so does your future husband. The friends that abandon you during this time, obviously weren't very good friends anyway. Don't ever apologize for who you are, and don't change for people who would believe a lie about you. And please, quit hating your body. Buy the larger sized clothing... it looks more flattering on you anyway.

When you sit down and think of whether you'd like to stay in choir or not, DO! I'm not saying your singing ever really improves... because, it doesn't... but you will make some of the best friends you could ask for (that are still in your life 5 years after graduation!). One of those friends will introduce you to your future husband. Another one of these friends will die tragically in a car accident your senior year. She will teach you a lot, without even realizing it. You will carry a part of her with you for the rest of your life. Because of her, you become better at communicating with people. Because of her, you no longer hesitate to tell people you love them. Because of her, you realize just how beautiful and short life is.

Because of your knee injury, you can't play catcher your sophomore year. It sucks, but you make the varsity softball team anyway! And don't hate your knee brace so much... it's there to help you, and you only have to wear it for one year. It will seem like a really long time, but it will also instill your future in softball (you even play for a year in college.. and your daddy is so, so proud). Your junior year, you will be the starting catcher for the team. Enjoy it! And please, Amanda Raye, wear sunscreen. You will think that it's not such a big deal, especially during practices... but trust me, twenty-two year old you will really wish you had. When that spot on your head starts to change size and color, get it checked out... I'm not trying to scare you, but the risk of melanoma isn't something you should take lightly. You'll learn this the hard way, and I really wish you didn't have to... but you survive. The doctors catch the cancer pretty early, and you end up with a wicked cool scar on your forehead.

When you meet a boy named Ryan, he really IS as perfect for you as he seems. Don't let the thought of a long distance relationship scare you out of pursuing him. You will enjoy a great 3 months together before he moves to New Zealand. And I know it sounds crazy, but you will go visit him and his family when you graduate. The late night phone calls aren't ideal, but they're worth it. His soul is beautiful, and the relationship you two share in Christ will only grow stronger.

Last, but definitely not least... I want to remind you of a few things.

Don't lose your love for music or photography. One day you'll make a living doing both.

And just because people you love make bad decisions, doesn't mean they are bad people. You will struggle with forgiving those who have hurt you, but believe me... that load is far too heavy to bear. Forgive and distance yourself from people and things that bring you down.

Love God. Love people. And eventually you will learn to love yourself.



Hugs,

Your 23 year old self

10 Years Ago...

I was 13.
I was in 8th grade at Glenn Jr. High.
My best friend was Jennifer Lind.
Jennifer's dad was my mom's personal care physician.
My mom had a LOT of doctors appointments in a short amount of time. I had no clue why.
I remember calling Jennifer and asking her if her dad had said anything about my mom being sick. Of course, with doctor patient confidentiality... she hadn't heard anything.
I remember answering the house phone one day after school and my dad asking about test results. He thought I was my mother. When I told him it was me, he sounded flustered and told me to put mom on the phone.
Perhaps the next day, or a few days later... I can't remember... I was walking home from the bus stop after school.
As I turned down my street, my dad pulled up behind me in the company pickup and told me to get in. He was obviously distraught... but why? I immediately thought he had lost his job. Well, that was silly of me... he was in the company truck. But why was he home so early?
We both walked inside and my mom was sitting at the kitchen counter. She was crying.
"Oh gosh, who died?" I wondered silently... and I started to panic a little.
My parents told me to sit down. I did.

My mom then proceeded to tell me that she found a lump in her breast. And it was cancerous. She had breast cancer.

My dad cried. My dad NEVER cries.

My poor mama... she was trying so hard to be strong.

I went to my room and closed the door. I fell on my bed in the most dramatic way possible and immediately started sobbing.

I was angry. At my parents for not cluing me in sooner. At myself for not realizing what was going on. At Jennifer's dad for not telling us when we asked. But mostly... I was angry at God. I prayed every night for the health and safety of my family. My mom getting cancer was not supposed to be in the cards for my family. "But I pray every night..." I kept thinking to myself. "What's the point of praying if God's just going to let your mom get cancer anyway?"

I listened to a lot of angry music that night. Thinking God hated me. And I so desperately wanted to hate Him back.

My mom knocked on my door a few times throughout the night. I never let her in. I was too consumed in how I felt... I was broken.

My heart breaks all over again as I'm typing this... but for different reasons.

Looking back, I would have let my mama in my room. I would have sat/laid on my bed with her and cried... together.

God didn't hate me... what was I thinking? You see, that's the thing... I was thinking about MYSELF. I wasn't thinking about my sweet, sick mama. How broken HER heart was feeling at the time. How SHE might have felt betrayed by God and her body.

I remember I didn't tell many of my friends that my mom was sick. I didn't want their pity.

She had a mastectomy on the day of one of my basketball games. I don't remember how well I played or if we won... but I do remember being so bummed to see my mama in a hospital bed with one of her breasts missing.

I felt so helpless.

Soon after the surgery, mom started chemo. Her hair fell out soon after. Because I was "so young" I was left in the dark on a lot of things. My older sister Becky and my older niece Ashley helped mom with the hard stuff.

One of mom's requests was that I go to this new church with her. I liked church for the most part, but was still thinking I was angry at God about all of this... but I figured why not?

We started going on a regular basis and that following summer I was saved at youth camp and baptized the following Sunday at church.

Honestly, it's crazy... all of it.

My mom's breast cancer, in a sense, led to my salvation and eternal life in heaven.

God has a way of opening doors for us when we are at our lowest of lows... when we think we hate Him.

Cheers to my mama, Wanda Pape. You're the strongest woman I've ever met. You're a survivor. You're a miracle. You're my blessing.

And cheers to Jesus! For saving my soul.

Melanoma... it's not JUST skin cancer

If you want to freak yourself out... google melanoma. I wish I had been more educated about this disease before being diagnosed with it... perhaps I could have prevented it. Now, every time a freckle looks suspicious, it has to be cut out of my body and sent in for testing. And then there's the wait... do I have cancer again? What if I do? I'd like to say that I wasn't worried about it... but gosh, it really is an awful feeling in your gut. My mind goes there... what if I have to have more of my forehead removed... will my skin stretch even further than it already has? What if I have to have chemotherapy... will it mess with my body? Could this disease kill me? Should Ryan and I have not waited to have children?

People die every HOUR from melanoma. It can spread to your internal organs and KILL YOU. I'm not sure many people know that about the disease. A lot of people have said to me "geez, your doctors seem quick to cut... that spot seemed harmless..." Well we'd rather be safe than sorry. And goodness, don't even get me started on the cost of all of this. I don't even want to think of how much chemo would add on to our current stack of bills. Praise God for my hard working husband who has been working full time and going to school full time so we can have health insurance.

I'm also glad my husband is cool with these scars I'm accumulating. God bless that man's sweet soul. Heaven knows I don't deserve him.

Sorry this post is a downer... I'm honestly just freaking out a little bit. Trying to stop now... going to pray pray pray, then try to hit the hay... heheh.

Peace and blessings to all of you. <3 nbsp="">