"You have skin cancer".
A week ago today I went to a dermatologist to get my birth/beauty mark/freckle/mole on my forehead checked out. I was recently put on Ryan's health insurance through his work a few months ago, so I figured now was the time. Dr. Ramirez measured the spot on my forehead, asked my mom and I a few questions about it, examined a few other areas of my body for moles, and said he wanted to remove it. I was dreading the removal, not necessarily because a part of my face would be missing, but because I knew it would cost us money, regardless of the fact that we now have health insurance. I looked at mom, and it seemed like the best option at the time, so they could send it in for a biopsy and then (hopefully) tell us I was fine. He numbed my forehead with 3 shots that burned and made my eyes water a little. I really like how quick Dr. Ramirez was through all of this though... and especially the fact that he talked me through it as he went. He then proceeded to scrape off the spot on my forehead. I couldn't look at the needle or the instrument he used to remove it, or I think I would have fainted. My mom was standing in the corner of the room reading a poster the whole time, haha! We weren't even in his office but 30 minutes before they bandaged me and sent us on our way. I took off work that day because my face felt uncomfortable and as the numbing medicine wore off, the burning sensation I had from the shots came back in full force. I've been keeping vaseline on it, and up until yesterday, a band-aid at all times.
On Thursday I was getting excited to have a booth out at Christian Village to hopefully sell some scarves, keychains, and other crafts I've made at their Christmas Bazaar. I got to work an hour early (8am) so I could take off early for this event. I was sitting at my desk with my freshly brewed coffee when I got a call on my cell phone at 9:06 am. Yes, I looked at my phone records just because it was bugging me that I couldn't remember the time. The voice on the other line was Stephanie, Dr. Ramirez's nurse telling me the results of my biopsy came in. I was thinking she'd just tell me everything looked fine and to come in for a check up in a few months... but then those terrible words came out of her mouth. "It's melanoma. You have skin cancer." I can't even remember what I said to her because every word out of her mouth after that seemed insignificant. She was talking about more doctors appointments and I remember saying "Well, today's not a good day for me, because I have a craft show!" And she had to explain to me how emergent it all was. I honestly think I was more bummed at the time that I couldn't go to the Christmas Bazaar. Silly, I know. I told her I needed to speak with my family and I'd get back to her about scheduling these other appointment(s). Thank God Ryan was nearby. When I say nearby, I mean, he was in the parking lot of my work taking a nap in our car. He had pulled an all-nighter up at the school the night before, and because my schedule was going to be different that day due to the Christmas Bazaar and I wouldn't get a lunch break, he decided to sleep in the car for a few hours so I could wake him up in time for his class. I hung up the phone with the nurse and walked outside... and all I could think was "how am I about to tell the love of my life that I have been diagnosed with cancer???" Poor Ryan... I know I was a mess. He was asleep in the front seat of the car and I tapped him on his leg and told him to wake up. He looked confused because he probably knew it wasn't time for his class yet, and he was very very sleep deprived. I said something along the lines of "Babe, the dermatologist's office called... and it's cancer. I have melanoma." My poor sweet husband. I want to cry thinking about his reaction. His eyes, bloodshot from sleepiness, got big and all he could say was "No..." in a really tender voice. All I could say back was "Yes." He got out of the car and hugged me tight. I think I was shaking the whole time. I told him everything the nurse had told me... then called my mom and told her. Of course, mom cried, and of course, she didn't want me to know that she was crying. I called dad, no answer. So I texted him and asked him to call me ASAP. He probably knew what was coming because he called right back and sounded worried. I told him what the nurse said and told him I'd call him back later. He said I love you first on the phone.... that rarely happens. I love my daddy and I know he loves me, but it really is a rare occasion for him to say it first over the phone. Just is. I then called the nurse back and told her I could cancel my plans for that afternoon and go the appointment she scheduled for me.
I have got to say, my boss has been SO wonderful through all of this. He immediately said he'd add me to his church's prayer list and that I shouldn't worry about missing work if I needed to go to appointments, etc. I took off the rest of that day, and Ryan took off work as well so he could be at the appointment with me. We just kind of hung around the apartment with Penny the rest of that morning (well, Ryan slept a little) and ate a small lunch because we didn't have much of an appetite. My appointment was at 3:15, but my mom's best friend Debra was in town for a little while before that, so I left Ryan asleep on the couch, and I went to go see her. My mom and my sister Becky decided they wanted to go to the appointment with us even if they just stayed in the waiting room, so that's what they did. I went back by the apartment and got Ryan and we headed to the appointment. Once they called me in to the office, they had to weigh me and I guessed my weight... exactly! It was on the dot, and the nurse said "wow, you should go buy a lottery ticket!"And I, honestly not trying to be rude said "well, it's not exactly my lucky day... they told me I have cancer this morning and now I'm here so y'all can schedule when to cut off more of my face." We then went into the room and talked to the nurse more before Dr. Lasiter came in. She took my blood pressure, which was through the roof. I was seriously freaking out at this point in time. My hands were sweaty, I was hot, and I couldn't stop shaking. Well, Dr. Lasiter came in and looked at the spot that Dr. Ramirez had removed and in conversation, kept saying that he thought he knew Ryan from somewhere. Ryan and I didn't recognize him, so we just kept saying "no, I really don't think you do..." haha. Well, about halfway through the appointment he asked us where we go to church and turns out... he goes to the same one! He remembered us from Family Retreat earlier this year... and then I remembered seeing his kids dancing during worship and he laughed and said "yep, that's us!" I cannot explain the RELIEF that washed over me at this time. My hands stopped sweating, my body temperature went back to normal. I knew this was God taking care of me. And then later on in the appointment I found out that I work with my nurse's brother Todd! To have these connections with my surgeon and nurse are so amazing and comforting to me and my family.
Dr. Lasiter said protocol to a melanoma diagnosis is to remove 1 cm all around the previously removed spot. My previous spot was a little over 1 cm wide so he'll have to remove a circle that's about 3 cm in diameter. He said that'd be about the size of a 50 cent piece. Because this section he's going to remove is so large, they're going to put me under anesthesia so they can figure out how to stitch it up. He said it could be a zig zag (which is what I'm hoping for, so I can look like Harry Potter!) but he's not entirely sure until he's looking at it. I then asked him if they were worried it had spread to my other organs... and I informed him I was freaking out because I watch Grey's Anatomy... haha! He said he wasn't too worried about it because it was only 7mm deep, but that I would have to go for regular head to toe examinations to look for other spots. I think after the surgery, they'll send that skin in for another biopsy, and we'll know more of where to go (hopefully we'll be done though) from there.
It's been a crazy week... and I think the next month or so will be BUSY for my family and me. My surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. I'll try to keep everyone posted on how that goes (and hopefully have some cool, gross pictures!). When I know something, I'll share. My family and I really and truly appreciate your prayers. I know that God hasn't given me anything I can't handle... so I'm trying my best to stay positive throughout this whole thing. I'm not gonna lie and say that Satan doesn't have fear looming in the back of my mind though. Keep praying... I can feel the love coming from all over the world! And pray that after this surgery I will be cancer free!
God Bless YOU!
Amanda
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