March 16, 2007

Another old journal entry...

"Defining moments occur at the most unexpected times... but yet, always the right ones. I think perspective has a great deal to do with it. I've learned that I need to cherish every moment I'm with someone... because it really COULD be the last time I see them. One more high five... one more hug... one more smile... one more kiss. The last one better be the best... but what if we forget? Will our very existence be forgotten along with it?

I love those moments when you just know that you're where you're supposed to be. You know the moments... when you're listening to a song, and suddenly tears come to your eyes. Or when you're talking to an old friend who is struggling and every word that comes out of your mouth seems to be perfect.

At times we forget that those who help us often need help themselves. Life is valuable. But until it's nearly taken from us, we don't grasp that value. Each hello and goodbye define who we are.

Putting effort in slowing down and appreciating life defines our fight. And though the fights differ in each person's being, there is one common goal... true happiness."

I found an old journal of mine...

This entry is from June 11, 2007.

Ryan was in New Zealand.

It was the summer before my senior year of high school.

I had been 17 for 11 days.

"With each passing minute, my heart aches a little more.

And with each heartbeat, comes hope. Hope for the pain to stop.

If not now, soon.

It's nearly impossible to describe it... because to fully understand, one has to experience the feeling.

Change is inevitable, but it seems to hurt just as bad even if we have a huge "CAUTION" sign in front of it.

It's crazy how circumstance can change lives... and no matter how badly we want to prevent the change, it still comes plowing through.

Change knows no pain... yet they continually come hand in hand.

Knowing that we can't turn back time really stinks, ya know?

In our deepest beings, we all yearn to be home. Perhaps some of us don't even realize where that home is... but we possess a feeling of emptiness. As for the rest of us, we know exactly who and where our home is... but for some reason we can't get there. Our home has to be far away... too far to reach, at least for the time being.

Having the knowledge of where your home is, and not being able to get there, well, hurts.

With things changing all around us, we need to protect our homes.

As for actually doing so, one must have faith.

Faith that you will be home again.

And prayer that your home won't lose their faith."

Oh, we have floors???

It's been a long time coming, but our apartment is actually CLEAN! ALL of it! I mean, it could always use improvement... I haven't been scrubbing floors or anything... but the fact that you can SEE our floors, makes my heart so happy. For a long while it's just been easier to move the mess from one room to another. We've been pretty good about keeping the living room area clean for our small group bible study on Wednesday nights, but that, of course, meant that our bedroom was hideous.

We were recently given a bed... a real bed... and we bought a mattress and box springs (that weren't a floppy uncomfortable mess that was just sitting on the floor) that were practically brand new on Craigslist for $60. I LOVE my mother and father in law. I am truly truly blessed to have them in my life. They constantly surprise us with things that perhaps not most people would get excited about, but Ryan and I are truly grateful for everything they do for us and for all of the love they have bestowed upon us and our relationship over the past 5 and a half years. So there we were, with this gorgeous bed... in a room full of dirty laundry, shoes scattered about, and stuff we really just didn't need.

When we got our sweet little puppy, Penny, we wouldn't allow her in our bedroom because there was just entirely too much for her to get into in there. Welllllllll, I knew my mother in law, Rissa, and my sister in law, Callie were coming in for one day this past week... and it was Spring Break, so I was only working one of my jobs for the week. I cleaned. I hate cleaning... but I cleaned. I turned on my Glee Pandora Radio station and I organized, folded, trashed, washed, and vacuumed everything in that bedroom. But, because the bedroom was finally clean... the living room and dining room had been neglected. I was slightly overwhelmed one day, but totally willing to do it... and my sweet and wonderful mother came over and helped me clean a little. We folded some more laundry, scrubbed the kitchen table, put some groceries away... and slightly reorganized the pantry. I love her so much. I know she hates cleaning as much as I do, but this was a way for her to bless me and spend some valuable time together. I'm so thankful she did. :)

After every room was clean (not spotless, mind you... but far better than it was before), we let Penny explore the place. She didn't know what to think about the bedroom... she hadn't been allowed in there before! She's been running around and sniffing everything... it's hilarious to watch!

Now, Rissa and Callie (and our Mimi) were only at the apartment for an hour or so... but I'm so glad that it was clean when they were! And it was wonderful to see them.

I also purchased some more furniture from Craigslist this weekend... and boy am I glad I did! Ryan and I have been using an end table from my parent's living room as our nightstand and it's so much lower to the ground than our bed it was getting kind of ridiculous. On Craigslist, I found 2 (MATCHING!!!!) nightstands for only 15 dollars. The wood isn't the same color as our bed, but I honestly don't care. I love that we both have our own little space to store books, cell phones, whatever... and they're at a good height for our tall bed!

I'm starting to love our little apartment... and I'm not so anxious to move out as soon as possibly any more. Ryan and I have decided that it is best for us to stay here for another 6 months at least after our lease is up in June. And, I really am cool with this... because now that I know it CAN be clean... it's not so bad! It's even kind of... dare I say it? Homey. :)

Where is home?

I'm having a hard time right now... we really like our apartment complex (for the most part) but we're having to hide our puppy dog because they won't allow a dog under 8 months old to be on the property, let alone live there. And I want her to have a yard to run around in! I also want to have a guest bedroom so my inlaws (and whoever else wants to!) can come stay with us! I'm also tired of stacking stuff in our 1 bedroom apartment. The only good thing about it is the close proximity to Ryan's work! We're surviving on our one car right now, and it's so convenient that he can take it to school in the morning then walk to work so I can drive to my job that night. I'm in the process of looking for rent houses in the same area, but haven't had much luck lately. Our lease is up at the apartment this June/July... and I really want to have somewhere to go. I just don't want to renew our lease... but I guess if we have to, we could always do a 6 month one, and not a full year. I'm just praying that something will come up (in a good neighborhood, that is AFFORDABLE) and preferably where either Ryan or myself could walk to work if we needed to. We'll see what happens I suppose... and we'll keep praying!

Where can I find the time to breathe?!

I'm working 7 days a week! Okay, I know to some people what I do doesn't sound like hard work, but still! Monday nights I only work 2 hours at Ram TV/Ram Radio, and I'm okay with that. Sundays are my usual day off, but I'm covering someone's shift tomorrow (technically today) from 11-4 at Studio Stream (Sonic Live Radio). I'm not really complaining, because I enjoy what I do and I can always use the extra money on my paycheck.. but no Sunday afternoon nap for me! AND, when I'm done at Studio Stream, I'm going down town to take some engagement pictures for a friend! I'm pretty excited about that. I love photographing beautiful people... especially when they're as sweet as this couple.

My photography services have really taken off this year! I love it! I'm keeping record of how much money I'm making per shoot, because this time next year I'll have made so much I will have to report the income for taxes. It kind of stinks that I can't just keep the cash in my pocket, but way cool that I'm getting so much business I have to report it. :) I've done 2 weddings in the last 4 months, a lot of baby pictures and some engagements and graduation portraits too! I have a facebook page by the way! You should check it out. :)

https://www.facebook.com/amanda.marlar.photography

Life is busy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Prayer requests:

Our small group is getting smaller and smaller and I'm a little discouraged! The past few weeks we've only had 3 or 4 show up out of our usual 11 or 12!

Ryan and I would love to move into a rent house this summer somewhere in San Angelo... I think we've just about grown out of our 1 bedroom apartment. We've been extremely blessed to live where we do though... just too much stuff for that little space... and I want our sweet puppy Penny to have a yard to run around in!

My sister, Tamra, and her 3 youngest boys have moved to San Antonio (I think, I'm not really sure...) and I know she has a warrant out for her arrest here in Angelo... so I'm not even sure what's going on with that! I pray that she will quit running from her problems and face them... and that they will all quit the drugs and other shenanigans and take responsibility for their actions. I love them so much and wish they could understand that life doesn't have to be this difficult!

Is this real life??

Praise the Lord, it is! I'm aware that I have a LOT to update on... I'm a college GRADUATE! That's something I have worked really hard for over these past few years, and boy am I glad to be in this next chapter of my life. :)

Days after my last blog post about not finding a job, I applied at Studio Stream in San Angelo. My friend Kassie has worked there since the summer, and she said she'd put in a good word for me. I stopped by and filled out an application and left them my resume. They called me back the next day and said they wanted me to come in for an "interview". Basically, they just said "We can't hire you full time, but we don't want any other station to snatch you up before we can... so... you're hired!" This blew my mind. They were genuinely interested... and then, THEN they asked me to come back in a couple of hours so I could be in their Christmas card pictures. How crazy is that? I started work the Tuesday after I graduated, making MORE than minimum wage... amazing! The people here are so friendly, and the best part is that this station, Sonic Live Radio, is heard nation-wide at every Sonic Drive-In in America! I'm working 18 hours a week (for now, hopefully going to get more soon), and after about a month of being on air, I got a raise. I'm so blessed! This is what I've wanted for so long. A job I truly enjoy. It's wonderful!

Ryan and I also have a PUPPY!!!! Her name is Penny and she's pretty much the cutest thing ever. I've been wanting a puppy for so long now... and she's a lot of work, but definitely serving her purpose to make us want to hold off on real babies for a little longer! :)

Another major thing in my life... my New Years Resolution... if you can even call it that. New Years Eve, I laid in bed and prayed to God "HELP! Help me be the person you've created me to be. Help me live this life full of love and compassion for other people. No matter their past or their sinful nature. Help me to love them like you love me. Help me to encourage and be a light to those who can't find their way out of the darkness on their own. Help me be the best me I can be. Amen."

If you know me on a personal level, you know how challenging this could be for me. I hold grudges. BAD. If you've hurt me or someone I love in the past, it's really hard for me to forgive and forget. After I prayed this, I just cried. And cried. My heart was so hard. I knew this. My sisters had hurt our family so bad. The only way for me to not hurt because of their actions was for me to pretend like I didn't care. Like they weren't my family. I'm ashamed to have felt this way... because I love them so much. God loves them. Regardless of how much time they've spent in jail, what kind of drugs or alcohol abuse they've put themselves through, how many divorces they've had, how many times they've lost their job or made another terrible mistake... they are God's children. They are my MOTHER'S children. They are my sisters. And they need forgiveness just like the rest of us. It's hard for me to admit that forgiveness does NOT equal me condoning their behavior. I just couldn't have this hate in my heart any longer. My older sisters that I looked up to when I was 4 years old are somewhere deep inside these troubled souls. I might never see them the same way again on this earth, but that doesn't mean I should give up on praying for them and their walks with God. They are beautiful and their sin is no greater than mine in God's eyes. THIS was a revelation to me.

My life is different. My load is lighter. I'm genuinely happy. I'm not carrying around all these negative feelings anymore. Sure, I'm disappointed when I hear of something happening in their lives that could have been prevented with better decisions made, but I love them. I really love them. And I'm not afraid to love them even if they don't love me. I pray for them constantly... that God would pull them out of their addictions and turn their lives around. That they would wholeheartedly seek Him and His will for their lives. That they would realize how much they are hurting their children, their mother, but most importantly, themselves... and that they would change for the better. Forever. They'll probably never read this... heck, I'm not so sure anyone ever will... but this is for them: I forgive you. I love you. More than you'll ever know.

It's finally that time...

In less than 2 weeks I will be a college GRADUATE! Can you believe it???? I never thought the day would come. I can celebrate now because I have completed my last term papers and given my last presentations! All I lack before walking across that stage is 3 final exams... and I honestly am NOT worried about them at all. One is for an online class (that is open book), one is for a class that I have an overall average of 101.5... don't ask how that's possible... and one is for Senior Seminar where we have to take 8 different tests over Communication or Mass Media courses we've taken in our time at ASU. I'm pretty sure even if I don't study for them, there's no way I could fail the class and not graduate. And that's all that really matters anyway... graduation!

I walk the stage Saturday, December 10th at 2pm. After that, Ryan and I are driving to Dallas to have an early Christmas with my mother-in-law's side of the family. Our friend from the Christian Campus Center, Christene, is going to ride to Dallas with us because she doesn't have a car and her parents were going to have to buy her a plane ticket to get home for winter break. It was so sweet when she told her mom that we were going to give her a ride. She had her speaker phone on, and all I heard was "Well, praise the Lord!!!!!!" So sweet.

The only slightly stressful thing about graduating early is the time of year I'm looking for a job! I haven't had any luck (yet... I'm not giving up completely!) at any radio stations in town, and that is definitely my dream job. It's just the time of year, I think... no one is hiring during the holidays. At least not for the work I'm looking for... please pray for me though! At this point, I just need a job. I applied at Michael's craft store online today, which would probably be a last resort, but it will be good to have options. I also just submitted an online application to be a bank teller at Wells Fargo. I'm hoping this college degree will help me out a little! I'm willing to wait to hear back from a radio station, but I need income in the mean time. Today was really trying, but I'm not giving up. God's hand is in all of this, and I know He will work this situation out for good, because I love Him and I am called according to His purpose! (Romans 8:28).


I am so excited to be done with this chapter in my life and open a new one (whatever that may be)!