10 Years Ago...

I was 13.
I was in 8th grade at Glenn Jr. High.
My best friend was Jennifer Lind.
Jennifer's dad was my mom's personal care physician.
My mom had a LOT of doctors appointments in a short amount of time. I had no clue why.
I remember calling Jennifer and asking her if her dad had said anything about my mom being sick. Of course, with doctor patient confidentiality... she hadn't heard anything.
I remember answering the house phone one day after school and my dad asking about test results. He thought I was my mother. When I told him it was me, he sounded flustered and told me to put mom on the phone.
Perhaps the next day, or a few days later... I can't remember... I was walking home from the bus stop after school.
As I turned down my street, my dad pulled up behind me in the company pickup and told me to get in. He was obviously distraught... but why? I immediately thought he had lost his job. Well, that was silly of me... he was in the company truck. But why was he home so early?
We both walked inside and my mom was sitting at the kitchen counter. She was crying.
"Oh gosh, who died?" I wondered silently... and I started to panic a little.
My parents told me to sit down. I did.

My mom then proceeded to tell me that she found a lump in her breast. And it was cancerous. She had breast cancer.

My dad cried. My dad NEVER cries.

My poor mama... she was trying so hard to be strong.

I went to my room and closed the door. I fell on my bed in the most dramatic way possible and immediately started sobbing.

I was angry. At my parents for not cluing me in sooner. At myself for not realizing what was going on. At Jennifer's dad for not telling us when we asked. But mostly... I was angry at God. I prayed every night for the health and safety of my family. My mom getting cancer was not supposed to be in the cards for my family. "But I pray every night..." I kept thinking to myself. "What's the point of praying if God's just going to let your mom get cancer anyway?"

I listened to a lot of angry music that night. Thinking God hated me. And I so desperately wanted to hate Him back.

My mom knocked on my door a few times throughout the night. I never let her in. I was too consumed in how I felt... I was broken.

My heart breaks all over again as I'm typing this... but for different reasons.

Looking back, I would have let my mama in my room. I would have sat/laid on my bed with her and cried... together.

God didn't hate me... what was I thinking? You see, that's the thing... I was thinking about MYSELF. I wasn't thinking about my sweet, sick mama. How broken HER heart was feeling at the time. How SHE might have felt betrayed by God and her body.

I remember I didn't tell many of my friends that my mom was sick. I didn't want their pity.

She had a mastectomy on the day of one of my basketball games. I don't remember how well I played or if we won... but I do remember being so bummed to see my mama in a hospital bed with one of her breasts missing.

I felt so helpless.

Soon after the surgery, mom started chemo. Her hair fell out soon after. Because I was "so young" I was left in the dark on a lot of things. My older sister Becky and my older niece Ashley helped mom with the hard stuff.

One of mom's requests was that I go to this new church with her. I liked church for the most part, but was still thinking I was angry at God about all of this... but I figured why not?

We started going on a regular basis and that following summer I was saved at youth camp and baptized the following Sunday at church.

Honestly, it's crazy... all of it.

My mom's breast cancer, in a sense, led to my salvation and eternal life in heaven.

God has a way of opening doors for us when we are at our lowest of lows... when we think we hate Him.

Cheers to my mama, Wanda Pape. You're the strongest woman I've ever met. You're a survivor. You're a miracle. You're my blessing.

And cheers to Jesus! For saving my soul.

Melanoma... it's not JUST skin cancer

If you want to freak yourself out... google melanoma. I wish I had been more educated about this disease before being diagnosed with it... perhaps I could have prevented it. Now, every time a freckle looks suspicious, it has to be cut out of my body and sent in for testing. And then there's the wait... do I have cancer again? What if I do? I'd like to say that I wasn't worried about it... but gosh, it really is an awful feeling in your gut. My mind goes there... what if I have to have more of my forehead removed... will my skin stretch even further than it already has? What if I have to have chemotherapy... will it mess with my body? Could this disease kill me? Should Ryan and I have not waited to have children?

People die every HOUR from melanoma. It can spread to your internal organs and KILL YOU. I'm not sure many people know that about the disease. A lot of people have said to me "geez, your doctors seem quick to cut... that spot seemed harmless..." Well we'd rather be safe than sorry. And goodness, don't even get me started on the cost of all of this. I don't even want to think of how much chemo would add on to our current stack of bills. Praise God for my hard working husband who has been working full time and going to school full time so we can have health insurance.

I'm also glad my husband is cool with these scars I'm accumulating. God bless that man's sweet soul. Heaven knows I don't deserve him.

Sorry this post is a downer... I'm honestly just freaking out a little bit. Trying to stop now... going to pray pray pray, then try to hit the hay... heheh.

Peace and blessings to all of you. <3 nbsp="">

And I just THOUGHT I knew what a headache felt like...

Well it's been about 5 days since my surgery, and today is the first day in which I haven't been napping on and off throughout the afternoon. This being said, I slept from 10pm last night until 12pm this afternoon, but I feel like I'm beginning to get back on somewhat of a normal schedule.

Wednesday morning was full of waiting. I was under the impression that we'd just walk back there, do some prep, and be on our way to surgery. If only. The surgery was pushed back a few hours, and I spoke with Dr. Lasiter before he had to go operate on someone else, THEN he said he'd get around to my surgery. I was only allowed 2 people in the pre-op room with me, so Ryan and my mom were by my side while my dad and my sister Becky were in the waiting room with Pastor Joe. We went over some paper work with the nurse and watched How I Met Your Mother on TV. I was super nervous about going to the bathroom on myself while under the anesthesia so I went like 3 times while we were waiting, haha! Also, I informed the doctors and nurses that the last time I had been under anesthesia I was nauseous and throwing up for 2 days after the surgery. They put some sort of patch behind my ear to prevent that and said they'd do everything possible in order to (hopefully, but not guarantee) prevent that from happening this time. I'm trying to remember anything else significant that happened before surgery, but like I said before, it was mostly just waiting. 

When the nurse came to take me back to the operating room, I said my goodbyes to (a tearful) mom and Ryan, and made my way down the hall with my fuzzy socks on (thanks Jessica!). The room was cold, I remember seeing all the doctors in there and telling them not to look at my undies as I laid on the table. I also remember thinking that the table was incredibly narrow... and I told them "That sure is a small table for this big girl". The nurse had me lay down and they tucked me in with warm blankets (my favorite part!). All I really remember after that is the nurse and the anesthesiologist asking me if I was feeling sleepy yet and I'm pretty sure my last words were "Nah, I'm not sleepy... but the ceiling is starting to look funny..."

When I woke up I'm pretty sure the first words out of my mouth were "What shape is my scar?!" The nurses told me it was an upside down T and that my surgery went well. I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't like a lightning bolt, but was soon overcome with nausea so I didn't think much of it. The nurse kept asking my pain level and I just kept telling her I wanted to throw up. Most of the next hour or so was me telling the nurse I was nauseous and her telling me they'd give me more meds. By the time the nausea started to fade, the pain kicked in. I think I told her it was a 7 out of 10, but because I was so nauseous they didn't give me a pill to take. I got morphine instead! Which made me waaaaay sleepy. The nurses asked me a few times if I was ready for my family to come back but I just wasn't. I didn't want to vomit all over myself in front of them like I had after my last surgery. Talk about embarrassing! 

I've got to take the time to say... that I was SO incredibly blessed with sweet nurses and doctors throughout this whole thing! My anesthesiologist, Dr. Hernandez, I believe his name was, was SO nice. He came and checked up and made sure that I was comfortable and helped get rid of my nausea! I didn't toss my cookies ONCE after the operation... so thankful for that! And I had 2 or 3 different nurses that took wonderful care of me. They were patient and kind and explained everything so I could understand what was happening even if I was super drugged up! I thank God for them, I really do. They are probably incredibly under appreciated in their day to day work lives, but I am so thankful for all they did to help me during my stay. The last nurse that dealt with me on my way out hugged me and told me "God bless you, I pray that you will heal quickly!" My heart swelled in that moment. 

So.... by the time I was ready for my family to come back to the room and see me, I wasn't so nauseous anymore, but was in and out of sleep every 15 minutes or so... and how conveniently, the blood pressure cuff on my arm went off at the same intervals. The stupid thing actually bruised me! I'd say that was probably the most annoying part of the whole thing for me... I HATE getting my blood pressure taken. At first it was just my mom and Ryan that came back, but the nurses let my dad come back too. Ryan took a couple of pictures of my owie and my mom tried her best not to look nauseous herself. At this point in time, I hadn't even seen the stitches or anything yet, but when my dad walked in his first words to me were "Ouch! They cut the dookie out of your head!" Hahaha! That soooo sounds like something my dad would say. Ryan then showed me a picture and it surprised me! The wound was a lot larger than we all had anticipated, but cosmetically speaking, it was close to my hairline, and would heal nicely. 

By the time I got to my mom's house I was pretty hungry so I munched on saltines and graham crackers and sipped on some 7up in between my (now longer than 15 minute) slumbers. Ryan definitely wins husband of the year award! He kept family and friends updated through texts on my phone, and walked me ever so gently to the restroom when I needed to go. I know that doesn't sound like much... but my heart was so full of undescribeable love for him in these moments. It still is! I never thought that in the 2nd year of our marriage he'd have to treat me like an old lady. I never thought that in our 2nd year of marriage I'd have cancer! His tenderness, his humility, and his hidden strength are only a few of the reasons I married him! I pray that every married couple can experience this kind of love. I knew we had it, but this was just a good time for God to show me how much I really needed Him and the man He created for me. 

I also need to brag on my mom! She is one of the queasiest (is that a word?) people I know when it comes to blood and wounds. I mean, she closes her eyes during Grey's Anatomy! But she has really stepped up with her gentle mommy hands and doctored my wound these past few days... and done a wonderful job! I'm so thankful for her. I just wish I had been old enough to have been able to help her more when she was going through all of this with her breast cancer. I love her so so so much. I'm proud of her for not only stepping up and cleaning my wound but helping me in every way possible through this whole past month of our lives. 

Tonight I shampooed my hair for the first time. I've just been rinsing it until now. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels HUGE! Now if only I could brush it... I don't even want to think about the pain that would induce though. I go back to see Dr. Lasiter on Tuesday afternoon for a check up. I think that's when they'll take out my stitches and we will hopefully have the results of the 2nd biopsy at that time. 

Ryan and I are incredibly blessed by each and every person out there praying for us. We thank you for praying and we ask that you continue! Pray for a quick recovery on my part... the wound itself isn't hurting so much at this point, but the pressure from my scalp being stretched so far is making my head feel like a balloon! Also, pray that the cancer is GONE from my body! I will let you know what the test results are as soon as we know. God is good ALL the time... and we will praise Him regardless! 

I cannot say thank you enough to everyone who has given us gifts, prayers, kind texts, or thoughts! God is working through you... and HE IS WONDERFUL!

Four words I never thought I'd hear...

"You have skin cancer".

A week ago today I went to a dermatologist to get my birth/beauty mark/freckle/mole on my forehead checked out. I was recently put on Ryan's health insurance through his work a few months ago, so I figured now was the time. Dr. Ramirez measured the spot on my forehead, asked my mom and I a few questions about it, examined a few other areas of my body for moles, and said he wanted to remove it. I was dreading the removal, not necessarily because a part of my face would be missing, but because I knew it would cost us money, regardless of the fact that we now have health insurance. I looked at mom, and it seemed like the best option at the time, so they could send it in for a biopsy and then (hopefully) tell us I was fine. He numbed my forehead with 3 shots that burned and made my eyes water a little. I really like how quick Dr. Ramirez was through all of this though... and especially the fact that he talked me through it as he went. He then proceeded to scrape off the spot on my forehead. I couldn't look at the needle or the instrument he used to remove it, or I think I would have fainted. My mom was standing in the corner of the room reading a poster the whole time, haha! We weren't even in his office but 30 minutes before they bandaged me and sent us on our way. I took off work that day because my face felt uncomfortable and as the numbing medicine wore off, the burning sensation I had from the shots came back in full force. I've been keeping vaseline on it, and up until yesterday, a band-aid at all times.

On Thursday I was getting excited to have a booth out at Christian Village to hopefully sell some scarves, keychains, and other crafts I've made at their Christmas Bazaar. I got to work an hour early (8am) so I could take off early for this event. I was sitting at my desk with my freshly brewed coffee when I got a call on my cell phone at 9:06 am. Yes, I looked at my phone records just because it was bugging me that I couldn't remember the time. The voice on the other line was Stephanie, Dr. Ramirez's nurse telling me the results of my biopsy came in. I was thinking she'd just tell me everything looked fine and to come in for a check up in a few months... but then those terrible words came out of her mouth. "It's melanoma. You have skin cancer." I can't even remember what I said to her because every word out of her mouth after that seemed insignificant. She was talking about more doctors appointments and I remember saying "Well, today's not a good day for me, because I have a craft show!" And she had to explain to me how emergent it all was. I honestly think I was more bummed at the time that I couldn't go to the Christmas Bazaar. Silly, I know. I told her I needed to speak with my family and I'd get back to her about scheduling these other appointment(s). Thank God Ryan was nearby. When I say nearby, I mean, he was in the parking lot of my work taking a nap in our car. He had pulled an all-nighter up at the school the night before, and because my schedule was going to be different that day due to the Christmas Bazaar and I wouldn't get a lunch break, he decided to sleep in the car for a few hours so I could wake him up in time for his class. I hung up the phone with the nurse and walked outside... and all I could think was "how am I about to tell the love of my life that I have been diagnosed with cancer???" Poor Ryan... I know I was a mess. He was asleep in the front seat of the car and I tapped him on his leg and told him to wake up. He looked confused because he probably knew it wasn't time for his class yet, and he was very very sleep deprived. I said something along the lines of "Babe, the dermatologist's office called... and it's cancer. I have melanoma." My poor sweet husband. I want to cry thinking about his reaction. His eyes, bloodshot from sleepiness, got big and all he could say was "No..." in a really tender voice. All I could say back was "Yes." He got out of the car and hugged me tight. I think I was shaking the whole time. I told him everything the nurse had told me... then called my mom and told her. Of course, mom cried, and of course, she didn't want me to know that she was crying. I called dad, no answer. So I texted him and asked him to call me ASAP. He probably knew what was coming because he called right back and sounded worried. I told him what the nurse said and told him I'd call him back later. He said I love you first on the phone.... that rarely happens. I love my daddy and I know he loves me, but it really is a rare occasion for him to say it first over the phone. Just is. I then called the nurse back and told her I could cancel my plans for that afternoon and go the appointment she scheduled for me.

I have got to say, my boss has been SO wonderful through all of this. He immediately said he'd add me to his church's prayer list and that I shouldn't worry about missing work if I needed to go to appointments, etc. I took off the rest of that day, and Ryan took off work as well so he could be at the appointment with me. We just kind of hung around the apartment with Penny the rest of that morning (well, Ryan slept a little) and ate a small lunch because we didn't have much of an appetite. My appointment was at 3:15, but my mom's best friend Debra was in town for a little while before that, so I left Ryan asleep on the couch, and I went to go see her. My mom and my sister Becky decided they wanted to go to the appointment with us even if they just stayed in the waiting room, so that's what they did. I went back by the apartment and got Ryan and we headed to the appointment. Once they called me in to the office, they had to weigh me and I guessed my weight... exactly! It was on the dot, and the nurse said "wow, you should go buy a lottery ticket!"And I, honestly not trying to be rude said "well, it's not exactly my lucky day... they told me I have cancer this morning and now I'm here so y'all can schedule when to cut off more of my face." We then went into the room and talked to the nurse more before Dr. Lasiter came in. She took my blood pressure, which was through the roof. I was seriously freaking out at this point in time. My hands were sweaty, I was hot, and I couldn't stop shaking. Well, Dr. Lasiter came in and looked at the spot that Dr. Ramirez had removed and in conversation, kept saying that he thought he knew Ryan from somewhere. Ryan and I didn't recognize him, so we just kept saying "no, I really don't think you do..." haha. Well, about halfway through the appointment he asked us where we go to church and turns out... he goes to the same one! He remembered us from Family Retreat earlier this year... and then I remembered seeing his kids dancing during worship and he laughed and said "yep, that's us!" I cannot explain the RELIEF that washed over me at this time. My hands stopped sweating, my body temperature went back to normal. I knew this was God taking care of me. And then later on in the appointment I found out that I work with my nurse's brother Todd! To have these connections with my surgeon and nurse are so amazing and comforting to me and my family.

Dr. Lasiter said protocol to a melanoma diagnosis is to remove 1 cm all around the previously removed spot. My previous spot was a little over 1 cm wide so he'll have to remove a circle that's about 3 cm in diameter. He said that'd be about the size of a 50 cent piece. Because this section he's going to remove is so large, they're going to put me under anesthesia so they can figure out how to stitch it up. He said it could be a zig zag (which is what I'm hoping for, so I can look like Harry Potter!) but he's not entirely sure until he's looking at it. I then asked him if they were worried it had spread to my other organs... and I informed him I was freaking out because I watch Grey's Anatomy... haha! He said he wasn't too worried about it because it was only 7mm deep, but that I would have to go for regular head to toe examinations to look for other spots. I think after the surgery, they'll send that skin in for another biopsy, and we'll know more of where to go (hopefully we'll be done though) from there.

It's been a crazy week... and I think the next month or so will be BUSY for my family and me. My surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. I'll try to keep everyone posted on how that goes (and hopefully have some cool, gross pictures!). When I know something, I'll share. My family and I really and truly appreciate your prayers. I know that God hasn't given me anything I can't handle... so I'm trying my best to stay positive throughout this whole thing. I'm not gonna lie and say that Satan doesn't have fear looming in the back of my mind though. Keep praying... I can feel the love coming from all over the world! And pray that after this surgery I will be cancer free!

God Bless YOU!

Amanda

I'm just so full of LOVE!

For...

• My GOD
• The man He created for me
• Our life together (and with our precious puppy)
• Our extended families
• Friends that become family
• Our new truck and the stress relief it brings to our busy lives
• My job and coworkers
• Music
• Photography
• Making gifts for people
• Giving those gifts to people
• Friends who are encouraging
• Being able to encourage them back
• Opportunity

Wheew! Where has time gone?

I can't remember the last time I wrote in this thing... but I guarantee a LOT has happened since then! Ryan and I have officially been married for over a year now (seriously... time flies). We've renewed our lease in the same apartment for another year primarily because of the convenience of its proximity to Ryan's work (we still only have one car for the time being). He is currently finishing up the final project for an online computer gaming class. It was his first time to do a summer course, and I'm proud of him. :) He's registered for full time in the fall, and received a substantial amount of Pell Grant money. We are blessed. I definitely couldn't have worked full time AND been a full time student like he's been for the past few years. I married a super hero.

As for me, I'm still working at Studio Stream (Sonic Live Radio) and I was recently promoted! I'm still a DJ, but now doing so much more. I even have my own office! It's been fun finding random stuff to decorate it with. :) I'm working full time as an On-Air Personality, Music Director, and Administrative Assistant to the President of the company. Definitely building up my resume, and I love it here! I'm not sure I've explained how Studio Stream works on here before, but Sonic Live Radio is just one (a HUGE one, but just one) channel that we provide. I'm currently in charge of maintaining our Coffee House, Country, and Office channels. The duties for that entail researching and recording in music and making the schedules/logs for what will air and when. I love my job and often find myself wondering "am I really working right now?" because I'm listening to music and googling lyrics. It's too fun to be work. ;)

Our Penny puppy is doing well... God definitely blessed us with the perfect dog. She's a great companion when Ryan is working late, and I've got to say PRAISE GOD she is finally housebroken. We are getting her spayed later this month and I'm a little nervous about it, but I'm sure she'll do fine.

I'm sure there is more to update on that I'm forgetting, but I think that's all I'll post for now.

Peace and Love,

Amanda :)

January 17, 2005

"Death isn't always expected... but we are expected to accept it...

When it's my time, I want to leave knowing I did what I was meant to do...

No one's life is meaningless... everyone is here for a purpose.

If you've yet to figure out your purpose...

Don't worry

We don't really find out until we're gone."